Dear readers, I wish for you to take a little peek behind the curtain for just a moment so that you are more able to gather a sense of who I am and therefore, the reason for the significance of this posting. I am not, and have never been, a person who really exuded a large amount of confidence. I am cautious to a fault. I have always struggled with issues of self-esteem. I am tentative in my approach. I am one who is able to rationalize myself out of anything at all.
Certainly, I have made it through my life this far, to the age of nearly 51, with some level of engagement and how could I not? I don't live in fear but I am not one who could ever consider himself to being seen as "fearless." Where others would immediately take that dive off into the deep end, I am the one who would beg off, preferring to remain safely upon dry land. In many ways, I am just fine with that. But other times, I do kick myself internally, frustrated that I will always hold myself back when I could just take that risk and leap outwards.
I bring this to your attention at this time because I am thinking to those crucial moments on the early morning of December 30, 2009, as I sat in my parents' basement during a holiday visit. I was 40 years old and I had an idea of possibly, maybe beginning a blogsite where I could write film reviews. I knew what it would be called and I knew in my heart of hearts that I could do it. I knew that I possessed some aptitude with writing and having an outlet to write about the movies I saw and the films that I loved felt like the full manifestation of what I had essentially been doing inside of my head ever since I was a child.
I knew that the world had no use for even one more person writing about the movies. I knew that I would not garner worldwide attention. I knew that in the grandest scheme of things, no one would ever really care. But, I knew I wanted to do it anyway and in that purity...why not?
And yet, there was this lack of courage to deal with...and deal with...and deal with. This creature that lives inside of my brain who is always there to tell me that what I am thinking of is not worth the trouble, that it is not worthy of attention or even acknowledgement so just give up.
But then, somehow, someway, I would receive encouragement. First, from my childhood friend and classmate Margaret Pattison, who thought enough of the little reviews I had posted upon Facebook as being worthy of attention. Secondly, from childhood friend and classmate Stephanie Werhane, who told me exactly how to make the blogsite space in the first place. And so, just that level of initial encouragement pushed me to create the site, name it "Savage Cinema" and write the initial post...
...and then, it almost never happened.
I wish I could fully express to you how difficult it was for me to hit the "Publish" button on that very first posting, the one that would make Savage Cinema a real thing, a real project that existed in the world. I was terrified. What if people just hated it? The internet has long proven itself to being a viciously cruel place of senseless vitriol and regardless of how much I desired for Savage Cinema to exist as a safe, respectful corner of the internet, I had no control over what people may think or choose to say to me if they wished. And the thought of being virtually decimated was more than enough for me to forget the entire project.
I sat at the computer and stared at the "Publish" button for what felt like eons even though it was most likely only for a few minutes. And still so, so scared at potential failure, I pressed the button and Savage Cinema was officially born...and here I am, looking back at those moments, now a full 10 years later. 10. YEARS. LATER.
Dear readers, Savage Cinema is 10 years old today and it is a milestone I never in a million years ever thought would exist for me and anything I had ever involved myself with. I am feeling so many emotions as I write to you--pride, amazement, disbelief--but, please know that I am so humbled with this achievement because I owe every bit of it to you, all of you who have ever taken time out of your lives to devote to anything that I have written. With everything in the world competing for your attention, everything that is demanding of your attention, it is not lost upon me that not one of you need to utilize your energy upon me and my pursuits whatsoever.
And yet, you have and for that my gratitude is bottomless.
Because of you, I continue to write.
Because of you, I have built up my courage.
Because of you, I have created a second blogsite devoted to music entitled Synesthesia.
Because of you, I continue to push myself into being a better writer as I wish for you to not only feel the devotion I have for the movies but also for the devotion I have for the process of writing.
Because of you, Savage Cinema will have amassed 772 postings and counting, a number I never once conceived of as I sat there so frightened to even try and press that "Publish" button 10 years ago.
Because of you, I have reached 10 years of Savage Cinema.
As I continue to move forwards, I will keep my initial pledge to you exactly the same as when I began. To try and write as best as I am able. To keep this site a home that is safe and positive and to always know that whenever I have negative criticism to offer, that there is a way to be honest, unmerciful and artful---snark for snarks sake has no place here.
As I have always expressed to you, I am no film critic or historian. I am just a film enthusiast, a person who loves going to the movies and being spellbound by some cinematic story in a darkened roomful of strangers just like you. Savage Cinema is a home for me to share with you and I hope that you reach back and share with me in return. And believe me, I sincerely hope that all of you can feel my thankfulness for your friendship and support.
It is not like me to take note of an accomplishment. Yet, this time, I really needed to because looking back over these last 10 years, I can see concretely see the accomplishment.
Are you ready for the next 10 years? Let's get there together...
THANK YOU!!!
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