SO LONG, FAREWELL, AUF WEIDERSEIN, GOODBYE...AND GOOD RIDDANCE: a review of "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 2"

"THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN-PART 2"

Based upon the novel by Stephenie Meyer

Screenplay Written by Melissa Rosenberg

Directed by Bill Condon

* (one star)

Hallelujah!! Our long national nightmare is, at long last, finally over!!

Forgive me, dear readers, I couldn't resist. From this point onwards, I shall try my very best to remain as purposeful as possible while also being "honest and unmerciful," as so brilliantly stated in Cameron Crowe's "Almost Famous" (2000), in regards to this review of the fifth and final installment of the "Twilight" film series.    

I have to say that viewing these five films has truly been a long, hard cinematic road for me to travel and I am certain that many of you are wondering just why oh why would I put myself through this experience when I really don't have to. I could easily "blame" my wife as she has loved the Stephenie Meyer novels and is more than ready to watch the latest film adaptation, but even she has expressed her distaste for these movies and the wooden, emotionless, inarticulate Kristen Stewart performances as leading heroine Bella Swan in particular. Even so, after a spell, I had to let her off of the proverbial hook and just take my own responsibility with this excursion as absolutely nobody was forcing me to watch these films under duress, like the malevolent Alex in Stanley Kubrick's "A Clockwork Orange" (1971). With that, I continued, carried onwards, endured, barely tolerated and at times, loathed. I guess by the time I endured the series' lowest point in "Breaking Dawn-Part 1" (2011), I felt determined and took the viewing of this final film as a challenge that I could not back down from as I was not about to let this series beat me. Now that it is all over, I have no clear idea of who or what may have won this battle of wills but I can say that I am certainly battered, bruised, more than a little weary and supremely thankful that the damn thing has finally concluded. 

"Breaking Dawn-Part 2" begins at he precise point where the Part 1 concluded as we quickly relive the death of Bella Swan (again played by Kristen Stewart) and her resurrection as a full fledged vampire bride to her eternally undead love Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). The love triangle between herself, Edward and the perininally shirtless werewolf Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) is further complicated when it is revealed that he has imprinted himself upon Edward and Bella's daughter, the horrifically named Renesmee, making him her lifelong protector/companion/soul mate/animal guide and whatever else that will keep him forever tied and pathetically devoted to Bella Swan for the remainder of his existence.

But the rapid growth of the half human/half vampire Renesmee (played by Mackenzie Foy) sends troubling signs throughout the land unknown to humans. The Volturi, the ancient, authoritative Italy based coven who dress in predictably goth fashions combined with the kind of attire Earth, Wind & Fire quite possibly rejected, and led by the ridiculously effete and comically sinister Aro (Michael Sheen), are prepared to hunt down and destroy Bella, the Cullen family, their werewolf compatriots and Renesmee for fear that the child was indeed born to be an Immortal, a species ruled to be outlawed. 

With our heroes on the run and in pursuit of allies to attest to validity Renesmee's status as not being an Immortal Child, "Breaking Dawn-Part 2" eventually leads to a final confrontation between good and evil with the love of Bella and Edward as the centerpiece.

Dear readers, before I continue onwards I feel that I have to include a disclaimer of sorts. From the beginning of Savage Cinema's inception, I have always expressed to you that I am not a film expert but solely a film enthusiast who is just expressing his opinions. When they run to the negative, and certainly as harshly negative as I have been throughout this films series in particular, I do not intend to hurt anyone's feelings as the fans have been deeply protective. I often utilize the phrase "for me and my sensibilities," for reasons that I feel are self-explanatory and in regards to the "Twilight" movies, they are profoundly far, far away from representing anything resembling my sensibilities. 

All of that being said, "Breaking Dawn-Part 2" is about as critic proof of a film as you can possibly get these days as no matter what one says about it negatively, it only seems to make the shrieks of the film's fans that much louder as well as exist as an increasingly immovable force. For that, and in a strange way, I do feel that on a certain level, the "Twilight" film series should be commended. Because as often as I have criticized big budget films for being completely anonymous enterprises that contain no point of view, I do appreciate that these films, while not really exhibiting any true directorial signatures, do indeed have their story to tell, their way and so completely, almost defiantly and unrepentantly for their intended audience. They know what they are and they know exactly and precisely who they are for. 

From the very first image of the first film to the final image of this fifth film, the powers that be behind "The Twilight Saga" have indeed ensured that the desires of their target audience will be catered to unapologetically. For the fans, these films represent a massive club in which it's their party and if you love it, you are so very welcome to join in and if you don't, then fine, they'll have fun without you."Breaking Dawn-Part 2" is no exception as the film does indeed deliver the goods to the legion of faithful, adoring fans and after receiving the massive box office gold, it would be more than easy to realize that they were more than satisfied. Certainly there's nothing I can say to sway those who love it and frankly, I would not aim to for if these five movies give you pleasure then that is just great for you. I'm not going to rain on your parade in that fashion. Even so...even so...can't we just be a bit more honest about what is on the screen? Yes, you like them. Yes, I get it, you LOVE them. But really...you don't have to love them. 

When I think of the elements and characteristics needed in order to make a great film, let alone a good or even a decent one, this particular series, for me and my sensibilities, has consistently proven to be decidedly terrible experiences, especially in regards to the writing and acting. These five films have, more often than not, been absolutely worse than they have any right to be and they do exist for me as cynical enterprises out to keep that "Twilight" gravy train going for as long as possible, quality be damned. The two part "Breaking Dawn" finale films have represented the series at its absolute worst as Director Bill Condon, who really should know better, obviously cleaved a book into two films when it really had no intention of being separated because each cinematic half actually has very little story to tell and therefore, they have been so excruciatingly padded. While "Breaking Dawn-Part 2" takes on the same sluggish, pretentious tone of the previous four films, Condon does bother to inject some flashes of much needed self-deprecating humor but by now, it's too little-too late. 

Now I have been supremely critical with the overall story of "Twilight" since the awful second installment "New Moon" (2009) slunk its insufferably mopey way across the movie screen. The giant holes in the love story of Edward and Bella confounded me, rendered itself to me as being so terribly false and by "Breaking Dawn-Part 1," I even found the series to be seriously detrimental for the messages it indeed sent to the young girls that have carried this series to its massive success regarding love and sex. As "Breaking Dawn-Part 2" begins, Bella, now officially a vampire, finally, finally, finally gets to have that cold blooded vampire sex with Edward. And once it all occurs, it just all became so clear to me that this series is really about nothing more than a girl trying to choose between two boys and that to get the boy of your choice, the girl has to give up absolutely, positively every single facet of herself (in Bella's case her life and literally, her humanity) while the boy doesn't have to do anything, let alone make any sacrifices at all. Bella's selfish nature rears its ugly head again when it comes to her long suffering father Charlie (Billy Boyd), who just may believe her to be dead. And does Bella care a whit about him? Of course not 'cause she finally has what she wants and they had great vampire sex. Only Jacob seems to have any sense of compassion towards Charlie--and by doing so, it gives him another reason to take off his clothes. So for Charlie and the squealing young female fans, I guess it's win win!

Thankfully, the awful love story actually takes a back seat this time around as the extended vampire/werewolf conflict featuring the laughably ridiculous Volturi and their pursuit of the Cullen family provides the main focus of "Breaking Dawn-Part 2." Yet, even so, when it comes down to it, it just felt that the main conceit of the film--finding a collective of witnesses to prove to the Volturi that Renesmee is not an Immortal Child by driving around the country on the run--could have been more simply handled and even settled with a mass e-mail. But of course, if the characters did that, the movie would have been over within 20 minutes and we wouldn't have been able to sit through endless expository sequence where the vampires display their supernatural powers as if they were they were the lost members of the X-Men.

Good grief, these vampires have the super powers of creating invisible force fields, zapping electricity and even the ability to alter the weather but what they really seem to love to do is walk very quickly. Really! These vampires spend so much of the movie zipping around the living room and the kitchen like "The Benny Hill Show," and then, for what I gather would be dramatic effect  they would walk slowly and ominously out of a mist onto a wintry field just to stand miles apart and walk slowly towards each other, thus making the movie last even longer. During the extended climax (more on that later), I was also just stunned that these being didn't just go right ahead and use those super powers against the Volturi immediately instead of engaging in lame fisticuffs. Seriously, The Wonder Twins had better battle strategies than this band of fashion model ready undead beings with asymmetrical haircuts

As we all look back to a variety of film series from "Star Wars" to "The Matrix" to "Harry Potter" to "The Lord Of The Rings," each series built up towards and concluded with a sequence of war. However, the extended climax of "Breaking Dawn-Part 2" seems to exist solely because that's just how these film series tend to conclude. The war between the Cullens, the werewolves and the Volturi occurs for such an arbitrary reason that it all felt to be so pointless, again making a film last much longer than it should. But it is hysterically outrageous as Condon just piles on the blood free carnage and gore, complete with what has to be the most amount of decapitations I have ever seen in a film rated PG-13. And just when I was about to let this movie skate by on its sheer outlandishness and lunacy, we are then given a cinematic switcheroo (i.e. a CHEAT) that felt as inauthentic as the final image from the television series finale of "St. Elsewhere." (If you have no idea of what I am referring to, all I can say is..."snow globe.")

As I am about to put this piece to bed, release it into the world and release myself from ever having to think about these movies ever again, I give you the following anecdote. A local morning newscaster and PASSIONATE "Twilight" fan asked on her Facebook page during the film's theatrical release why detractors of the series hated them so much. Well, "Breaking Dawn-Part 2" provides all of the possible answers to her question as far as I am concerned. The writing from Melissa Rosenberg and the performances from nearly the entire cast, most notably our main triumvirate of Stewart, Pattinson and Lautner, are completely negligible so there's no need to bash them all over again. Although special notice must be given to the two actors who portray, I suppose, Italian friends of the Cullen family, and speak as if they were the lost cousin's of The Count from "Sesame Street"--they were a scream!

Additionally, with this film in particular, the special effects were inexcusably terrible. From start to finish,  "Breaking Dawn-Part 2" nearly convinced me that Industrial Light and Magic didn't exist, "Star Wars" never happened and that the art and artistry of special effects had not advanced an inch since televised episodes of "Land Of The Lost," Isis" and "Shazam!" To describe them as "bargain basement" would be an insult to bargains and basements and it was just one more crucial element that showed that this film was rushed, rushed, rushed so as to not potentially lose even one "Twilight" cent. For the life of me, I cannot believe that it was not laughed off of the screen for such infernal sloppiness  I mean--there's just no way that audiences could have been so swept away with the story could they? Could they?? Was it all just Pattinson's hair and Lautner's abs? Who knows and who cares anymore. It's finished. Mercifully so.

Dear readers, I don't hate the "Twilight" movies because they are "Twilight." I hate them because they are the epitome of what bad movies are.