APOCALYPSE NOW, DAMMIT, NOW!!!: a review of "2012"

"2012" Co-Written and Directed by Roland Emmerich
* (one star)

Many years ago, at the conclusion of a doctor’s appointment I attended, my doctor and I engaged with a bit of small talk during which she informed me that she had seen a movie the night before and that she had hated it. I asked her which film it was and I was surprised to discover it was a highly critically acclaimed motion picture, a film which I had even loved myself. I asked her why she disliked it so passionately to which she replied, “It had no redeeming social value whatsoever.”

That is exactly how I felt after watching “2012,” the latest from one of cinema’s resident masters of disaster Writer/Director Roland Emmerich. To say that “2012” had no redeeming social value whatsoever would be an understatement as it was a wholly depressing experience that left me with nothing to take away from it but a massive headache from the cinematic bludgeoning and a heartache due to the complete lack of value for the human experience.

Roland Emmerich has essentially become our modern day Irwin Allen (best known for his 1970’s disaster epics like “The Poseiden Adventure,” “The Towering Inferno,” and “The Swarm” among others). He is a creator of massive cinematic spectacle, leaving no penny unspent as he creates worlds only to destroy them. He has already vanquished the world once through an alien attack in “Independence Day” (1996), a film I still extremely enjoy. It possesses a certain goofy charm, and it was obvious to me that he didn’t necessarily take his work too seriously, as opposed to someone like the dreaded Michael Bay, a Director who obviously takes himself and his horrid work much too seriously. “Independence Day” remains Emmerich’s best piece of work as the entire experience was not only flat-out fun and contained that iconic image of aliens demolishing the White House. It was a science fiction film that was ultimately about science fiction films as it referenced every seminal science fiction epic released before it. There was a “spot the reference” spirit lodged within the well-worn yet affectionate clichés and its impressive size, scope and execution as a whole keeps it enjoyable today.

From there, the quality of his films gradually spiraled downwards, not in presentation but with intent and thoughtfulness. After Emmerich leveled New York City with his update of “Godzilla” (1998), and decimated American and world history with “The Patriot” (2000) and “10,000 B.C.” (2008), he annihilated the world again through an environmental disaster with the ridiculous “The Day After Tomorrow” (2004). “2010” is the bottom of the barrel as there is simply nowhere else for Emmerich to go after enacting the destruction, pummeling, obliteration, and nullification of the Earth to such a gargantuan and cruel degree.

Now this is typically the part of the review where I would give you, the dear reader, a window into the film’s plot. But, honestly, does it matter for a film like this? All you need to know is that the film suggests that the Mayan calendar that predicted the world, as we know it, would end on December 21, 2012 is correct. A young scientist (Chiwetel Ejiofor) discovers that solar flares will either engulf the Earth or heat it up like a Jiffy Pop container and again, does it really matter what he discovers? All this film cares about is global cataclysm on a uber-epic degree and the only people it cares about are failed science-fiction novelist/limo driver John Cusack, his estranged wife (Amanda Peet), their two little moppets and perhaps between 10-15 other random characters. As the world completely falls apart around them, for nearly an astronomically unnecessary 2 hour and 45 minute running time, our “heroes” race against time to arrive in China and board four Arks that will potentially keep them safe and able to one day begin to repopulate the world.

Look, I will give the credit where it is due. It is a good looking movie with top flight special effects that do indeed deliver on the film's promises. No one can say that Emmerich didn’t wipe out the planet in a less than satisfactory fashion. There’s also no need to attack the film on its usage of those hysterical well-worn cliches, its clumsy biblical references (Cusack’s son’s name of “Noah” is a definite howler), lousy dialogue and so on as this isn’t the sort of movie that is remotely about to probe deeply into the heart of matters. That is not what films of this sort are even designed for. I just have to question and therefore attack “2012” for its intents and purposes, of which I am not certain what they were. Why even make a film like this? Was it solely just the opportunity to spend millions of dollars on the best of the best of special effects in the pursuit of box office gold? That just can’t be enough, can it?

It is more than possible to give an audience the proper spectacle yet have a brain and heart to accompany it. Take Steven Spielberg’s remake of “War Of The Worlds” (2005). What could have just been another “popcorn movie” of which Spielberg's talents and skills are peerless, he instead dropped us straight into Hell as his film explored our post 9/11 anxieties as well as the societal breakdown of humanity when the unspeakable occurs. Spielberg kept the human element front and center, making a film that deeply terrified me. Take the film’s very first alien attack, where Tom Cruise and a sea of extras race away from the death blasts. Of course, Cruise is the film’s star and you know he won’t be killed but Spielberg, the master that he is, tricks us with his devious camerawork that Cruise could die at any second. Spielberg gives us the unforgiving randomness of violence and the effect was chilling. Once Cruise arrives home safely to his children, covered in dust, we then slowly realize that he is encased in the ashes of the deceased people who were just running alongside him in terror moments earlier. The quickness of death and its overall effect on humanity was deeply felt and remained throughout the course of that nightmarish experience. As I stated in my “Time Capsule” series, “War Of The Worlds” shook me to my core. It was a primal experience and got uncomfortably under my skin. When I left the theater and saw the world as it was when I arrived, I breathed a deep sigh of thankfulness. That film made me think about what I would do and feel if the world just caved in at any second while also delivering the best special effects money can buy.

“2012” doesn't even attempt to be a part of that league of filmmaking as it doesn’t care a whit about anything beyond its most superficial elements. It doesn’t matter if millions of CGI people in cars fall into the chasms of their deaths as long as Cusack and family escape in a small plane. It doesn’t matter if a CGI Grandma is decapitated by the gigantic slab of rising pavement just as long as Cusack and Peet can reconcile their undeveloped love affair. “2012” is an endless barrage of tear-drenched faces set to ponderous and pretentious doom music signifying an unprecedented loss the film doesn’t even believe in. “2012” is beyond disingenuous. It is beyond distasteful. It is a lament for the loss of humanity in a film that doesn’t even contain a shred of it.

Well…to be fair, I will give credit to Chiwetel Ejiofor who did give a performance which treated the situation as if it were real. His performance contained empathy, dignity and at least attempted to provide the film with a soul. For that I am appreciative. But, it is faint praise.

I know it sounds like I have taken this movie much more seriously that it ever needed to be and perhaps so. I just know how this thing made me feel as it went on and on and on while billions upon billions of people perished throughout. My mind eventually began to drift and ponder what exactly is it about our culture that finds a need to consume movies such as this one. I don't just mean the "torture porn" of slasher films, because those films do cater to a specialized audience. "2012" is a movie meant for the mainstream masses. It is an event movie, expensively made and created to earn as much cash as possible regardless of the content. And yet somehow, we buy our tickets, sit in our large and comfortable stadium seats with our tasty treats in tow and gather in communion to take a front row seat to view our world's own graphic evisceration. But, oh yes, I forgot. We’re not supposed to care about that. We’re not supposed to even think about that. All we’re supposed to care about is that Cusack’s barely published science fiction novel has become the last book on Earth and his family is completely reunited in the final reel.

Dear readers, please know that I am not above just seeing a movie for fun. Trust me, I'm not. Also, I deeply understand the need for people to pay their money, check their brains at the door with the desire to just be entertained. I love a good action movie, a shoot-'em-up and the like as much as anyone else. But, when we have we allowed ourselves to watch the miserable cataclysm of "2012" with a level of detachment to the point of desensitization, I just feel sad.

We may be able to check our brains at the theater ticket booth from time to time but I fear for the day when we check our hearts there too.